I Wish I Was Fifteen Again
by Aibhlin37
Summary: Graduation Day at Rawley Academy. A sad story about the break-up of Jake and Hamilton and how they have to learn to "move on" with their lives.


Thanks: Thanks to Becca who inadvertently introduced me to the band "Weekend Excursion" (check out her fan/fic Falling Apart) every lyric seems to be a story made for Young Americans. Be sure to read the songs too...you'll see what I mean.   
  
Credits: Weekend Excursion: "I finally found you" "Moving on" and "Nine Days" oh... and also, one of Jakes quotes is actually a line from the Matchbox20 song "If you're gone" and one of Hamiltons quotes is from a Beth Nielson-Chapman song called "Say goodnight"   
  
Feedback: Always appreciated!!!   
  
  
  
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"......So what now, should we leave things as they were we're not sure, and I would understand ... if you want out cause you don't trust me with your heart just be sure, cause I can't stand to be apart from you........"   
  
  
Graduation Day: June 2, 2004   
  
They awoke together as the early morning sun streamed in through Jake's bedroom window. His arms still wrapped around her, as they were when they had fallen asleep together the previous night. Dried streaks from tears were still visible on her face and her body was tired both emotionally and physically. He looked at her silently, reliving the last few hours before sleep had taken them. She returned his gaze, also silent. There was nothing left to say...they had said what needed to be said last night.   
  
  
Flashback:   
  
A knock on the door. "It's open..." Jake called out from amongst partially packed boxes. He had a sick feeling in the pit of his stomach as he entered her room and shut the door gently behind him. "Can we please not do this again Hamilton...please" she said with a pleading look in her eyes.   
  
"Jake, can't I just explain..just tell you what..."   
  
"You did...you explained..you said, It just happened...You didn't mean it...blah, blah, blah..." she mimicked him with a mixed look of pain and fury in her eyes   
  
"Please Jake...it was a mistake...it was six months ago...I didn't think you'd find out...I'm sorry Jake...I'm really, really sorry." His eyes filled.   
  
"You're sorry you did it...or you're sorry I found out?" she retorted. Hamilton slid his back down the wall until he was seated on the floor, knees bent up and the back of one arm shielding her view of his dampening eyes.   
  
"Both..." he whispered toward the floor. She glared at him. "I'm sorry...I wish I could take it back..I wish I hadn't drank so much that night..I wish I'd never met her...I wish that things had been better between us then...maybe if they had been, I would would have been here with you instead of out with the guys drowning my sorrows." He studdied his sneakers carefully unable to look at her.   
  
"So, it's my fault?" she questioned.   
  
"No.." He exhaled, "that's not what I meant," He knew this wasn't going to get any better. This whole secret had been eating away at him for months. Their relationship had been on a steady downward spiral over the last year and he knew his mistake was the final straw. He felt like his life was spinning out of control and he was helpless to stop it. Graduation from Rawley Academy was tomorrow and after the ceremony Jake's mother would take her home to New York and it was now painfully obvious to him that he wouldn't see her again. He was expected to spend the summer packing and readying himself for college. The next phase of his new life and been carefully orchestrated by his parents and it was on the schedule to begin in September.   
  
Four years ago all he could think about was going away to school...no longer living under the watchful eyes of his overprotective parents. Freedom, he remembered thinking. Then he met Jake, and instead he felt as though his new life began that day. The newness of young love...the magic of loving someone for the first time...the passion they had awkwardly taught each other...the secrets they had shared. From that moment to this...he had never imagined his life without her. Then slowly, gradually things began to change.   
  
As they grew up...they began to grow apart. It was subtle at first. The gift of maturity brought with it...change. Changes in them. They still loved each other...it was just...different...now.   
  
"Jake..." he said almost in a question. She looked down at him, her face softening. She felt so lost. She had been so devastated by what she now knew to be true...and in some ways maybe even relieved. She loved him. She just wasn't in love with him. He had become so much a part of her and she was saddened that a piece of her was dying too.   
  
"Jake..." he said again...he hesitated as he looked up at her with misty eyes. "I'm really, really sorry." His tears fell and it broke her heart to see him cry. "I never meant to hurt you...I know I did...but, I never meant..." she knew what was coming next and she braced herself. "I never meant it to end like this." Even though she new this was the end, the words still hit her like a fist. He covered his face with his hand.   
  
" Oh Hamilton...." she whispered. She went to him and knelt on the floor beside him. "Please...." she said and gently wiped the tears from his cheek with her hand. "We've been here before..."she said, "and if we stay together...we'll be here again. It's not you...and it's not me either...it's us." She looked at him. "we were really young then...we had a great time...I fell in love with a great guy...you made me really happy. When I think back on my days at Rawley...I'll remember it being some of the happiest memories of my life...and I'll always think about you. I can't NOT love you...it's just..."   
  
"I know.." He interrupted an irritation in his voice. "but, it's different now...we've grown up...we've grown apart...I know...you've told me ...like...a thousand times."   
  
She fell silent again as her own words were thrown at her. She hated the feel of hurting him. But, she was hurting too.   
  
Jake sat down beside him, her back pressed against the wall. She reached over and took his hand in both of hers. "I still love you..." she said as her own tears began to fall, "and you're gonna be okay Hamilton Fleming...we're both gonna be fine."   
  
He turned to look at her."I don't know how to do this.."he said, "I don't know how to BE without you Jake."   
  
"Sure you do..." she smiled and tried to sound comforting. "you're going off to college in a few months...you'll love it...you'll be out on your own...a new place...new teachers...new experiences..." her voice lowered now, "new girls...new love."   
  
No!" he said, louder than he had intended. "no..I won't...I can't..." she smiled at his new found loyalty through the mists of her own eyes.   
  
"You will...and maybe...so will I...it doesn't mean that we didn't love each other for a time. It doesn't mean we didn't care. Hamilton pounded his head against the wall.   
  
"Is there anything...anything at all that I can say...or do...to change this...to stop this from happening?"   
  
Jake shook her head, "You can't stop life from happening Hamilton. The pain that we feel now is what makes this so real. Don't you get it? If we didn't truly love each other...then this wouldn't hurt so much.   
  
"You don't seem to be too heartbroken." Sarcasm seething from his lips.   
  
"I've done this already, babe...the anger...the humiliation...the pain...the loss...the tears...I just can't cry anymore."   
  
Jake got up from the floor and moved toward the window. "It's getting late...you should go...big day tomorrow." She carefully wiped away the hidden tears and turned back to him casting a conscious smile in his direction.   
  
"Do you hate me now?" he asked.   
  
No..." she replied, "I could never hate you." She felt the tears coming and she turned back to face the window. Hamilton rose from the floor and moved behind her. As he reached out to touch her shoulder he felt her cringe as if his hand was burning hot. He touched her again and felt her relax a bit. he put his arms around her and gently pulled her body back against his.   
  
"I'm scared Jake..." he whispered into her ear. "I'm scared of moving on without you. Everything I've learned...that I've seen...everything I've done...that we've done in the past four years...I've done with you." He sniffed, "I'm scared of being out there...alone." She turned to face him and he hugged her to him. She looked into his eyes.   
  
"You won't be alone...I'll always be here for you...whenever...whatever..." her voice cracked now as emotions flooded her speech. "There's a little bit of something me...in everything in you." She buried her face in his neck and tried to stifle her tears. "I am heartbroken." She whispered, "I'm just trying to be the strong one." He released her from his embrace and held her away from him. She wiped the stray tear from her eyes.   
  
"Don't be strong for me..."he said.   
  
"You need to go..." she said, clearing her throat and looking around at the room packed with boxes...looking everywhere and anywhere...anywhere but at him.   
  
Hamilton turned and walked toward the door. Jake seated herself on the edge of her bed. Her knees felt weak and she was afraid they would no longer support her. She stared out the window...she didn't want to watch him leave, but the unforgiving glass provided a reflection and her heart sank as she saw his hand reach for the doorknob.   
  
"Just one more thing..."he didn't turn around...his voice was so low that she had to strain to hear him. "I wouldn't trade a single minute of my time with you for anything in the world. I fell in love with you the first day I saw you...and I still love you now...and I'll never forgive myself for hurting you like this. His voice cracked as he attempted to hold back the tears again. "I wish I was fifteen again..." He turned the knob on the door and pushed himself through. "I'll say goodnight...not goodbye."   
  
The door shut quietly behind him. He didn't hear her when she whispered, "Goodnight Hamilton...I'll always love you too."   
  
He stood in the hallway for a moment wondering how his "jellied" legs were going to walk him home. He inhaled and exhaled deeply a few times trying to regain his composure. He wiped his face with his hands...that's when he heard her sobs from the other side of the door. He hesitated briefly then opened the door and returned to her. He slowly went to her bed and held his arms out to her. He folded her easily into them. "Now...let me be strong for you."   
  
He lay with her and held her trembling body to his. They were finished talking and they simply comforted each other until sleep arrived.   
  
"....when I saw you, for the first time   
  
I could have never dreamed of having you by my side   
  
But when I held you, for the last time   
  
It hurt so much to realize what I was leaving behind   
  
But I'm thinking of you...I hope you're thinking of me   
  
In hopes that one day...a couple we'll be   
  
and if we don't meet...I'll remember...the times we had together..."   
  
  
" God, I hate all this pomp and circumstance stuff." Scout said to Will as they searched for their alphabetical places in line.   
  
"Me too...I'll catch you after the fan fare buddy." Responded Will.   
  
The graduation ceremony proceeded as expected. The crowd had swelled to record proportions, this being the first graduating class of Rawley Academy's new "co-ed" program. Will searched the crowd and found his mother's smile and the predicted thumbs-up sign she gave him. He had made his mother proud to be the first Rawley grad in the Krudski family. Since his parents divorce two years earlier he and his mother had become closer.   
  
Bella sat beside her in the audience smiling too. She focused on Will and then shifted her eyes toward Scout as he straightened his cap and winked at her. His father was the guest speaker today and he watched him with a mix of pride and embarrassment.   
  
"Today we look at these fine young men and women as they take their first steps toward the future. They embark on a journey....."   
  
Jake looked at her shoes. Her mother had E-mailed her that morning to apologize. It seemed her present tour had been extended and she would not be able to attend her ONLY daughters, ONLY high school graduation ceremony. Although Jake was disappointed...she wasn't really surprised.   
  
Hamilton stared at Senator Calhoun. He listened to every word...although he heard none of what was said. He was still thinking of last night. He wondered if someday he would actually forget what if felt like to hold her.   
  
Dean Fleming presented the diplomas one at a time as each graduate crossed the make-shift stage. They shook his hand...and received their coveted invitation to the future. Graduation caps flew into the air and students hugged and congratulated each other. Tears of happiness and pride flowed as parents hugged their children. Varied shouts of "later dude...good luck in the future...and have a great life" rained down upon the crowd. Scout stood awkwardly between his mother and father as they beamed. Parents clamored to shake the Senator's hand and thank him for his inspired speech. Scout saw Will make his way through the throngs of people and hug his mother first and then Bella. He excused himself, "Dad...I'll be right back." Ignored, he left his parents side and went to join his friends.   
  
"All right Krudski" she yelled smiling, and holding her arms open for a warm, friendly "townie" hug. "Big leagues all the way!" Will returned Bella's hug.   
  
"Hey man..." Scout said joining them. He slapped Wills hand in a high-five.   
  
"Congrat's..."   
  
"Yea...you too" he responded.   
  
"Congratulations Scout", she said her golden hair glistening in the sunlight.   
  
Bella kissed Scout on the cheek, still able to create a tingling sensation in the pit of his stomach.   
  
"Thanks..." he said, blushing.   
  
"Anyone see Jake and Hamilton?" she asked scanning the crowd. Will and Scout exchanged worried glances.   
  
"Their both here...somewhere. But...ah Bella.." will hesitated, "things aren't really good with them right now. Maybe we should give them some space."   
  
The Rawley gang had attended Bella and Seans graduation from New Rawley high school the week before. That's when Jake found out about Hamilton's misadventures. Bella felt guilty and completely responsible for the break up despite the efforts of both parties to assure her that it had been in the making for some time.   
  
"I've got to find her." Bella ran off in the direction of graduate seating and both boys followed close behind. Jake was still seated in her assigned chair. She seemed lost and alone. "Jake...hey...congratulations!" Bella said as she reached out to hug her friend. Jake smiled at her as she approached, she was genuinely glad to see them.   
  
"Thanks." She said.   
  
Will looked around, only now realizing she was alone. "Where's you Mom?"   
  
"She...um...couldn't make it...last minute stuff...she did however, arrange for a driver to take me to the airport...she's always so thoughtful." She answered rolling her eyes.   
  
"Hey..." Scout said extending his arms for a hug. "I'm sorry man...eh...girl...uh...Jake."   
  
"No big deal." She put up the brave front...although it only served to compound the hurt she was already feeling. She knew in her heart she wasn't hiding anything from them. Bella leaned forward and hugged her again.   
  
"I heard....", she said, "are you okay?"   
  
"I will be..."she replied. Across Bella's shoulder she saw him standing there. She looked up and his eyes met hers. Bella turned around and followed Jake's stare.   
  
"Go talk to him..." she encouraged. "Maybe...."   
  
"Bella...don't...it's okay...we're okay...really."   
  
Hamilton slowly walked toward the group of friends.   
  
"Ham...hey congrat's buddy.." Scout and Will exchanged hugs and high-fives.   
  
He participated...but his eyes wouldn't leave hers. His internal camera was snapping photographic memories of her face. He was determined never to forget her.   
  
"Congratulations on art school Hamilton. You must be excited to ......"   
  
Bella hugged him but she knew he wasn't really listening.   
  
"Yea...thanks..." he nodded. he couldn't hide the pain in his eyes. His heart was breaking into small pieces as his future unfolded in front of him...and again...he felt powerless to stop it.   
  
Bella took Scout and Will by the hand and they in turn slipped a hand around Jake's waist. "Ham...let's go man."Will called to him. He hesitated, but when Jake smiled at him he allowed himself to be drawn into the circle of friends.   
  
"Unbelievable man!" Scout shouted into the group.   
  
"Graduates...Freedom...Life...Liberty...the pursuit of happiness..."   
  
"College tuition...loan payments..." Will yelled back and they all laughed.   
  
"Kill joy" Scout smirked back at him.   
  
Jake interrupted the festivities. Inhaling and exhaling to compose her thoughts. "Well, guys...I gotta get going...my driver's waiting..."she nodded her head toward the parking lot. "I have a plane to catch and my mother might actually make it home for a few days over the summer and I wouldn't want to miss her." She said sarcastically. Bella's eyes moistened immediately. She hated good-byes, but she was sure that she and Jake would keep in touch. Bella hugged her again.   
  
"Safe trip..."she said, "Call me when you can."   
  
"I will." Jake felt her throat tightening. This group of teenagers had been her only existing family for the last four years...and she felt a slight uneasiness leaving the comfort of her friends.   
  
Will stepped forward next and hugged her, "Take care, Jake"   
  
"Yea...you too. Hey, come visit me sometime...Rochester is not far from me. We can DO lunch. My treat. she smiled.   
  
"Your on..."   
  
Jake moved toward Scout. As she hugged him she whispered in his ear. "Don't let her go..."   
  
As he backed away from her he said, "I won't...maybe you should listen to your own advice?" She composed herself again and attempted to speak clearly.   
  
"I can't...we just can't..." She stopped and one tear fell to her cheek.   
  
Scout brushed it away with his hand and nodded his head as if to say he understood. He smiled at her.   
  
"Be good...Jacqueline"   
  
Hamilton had stepped away from the circle and waited patiently for his inevitable turn in line.   
  
Bye guys..."she said waving back to them and walked toward Hamilton in the direction of the parking lot.   
  
"Well..."she said the brave facade in full view. "I guess this is it...listen Hamilton...let's not...." Hamilton moved his fingers to her lips to hush her. From his pocket he took a small wrapped package tied with a pink ribbon and handed it to her.   
  
"Please don't forget...don't forget any of this." He said. She hugged him...the tears openly falling from her eyes. She felt the warmth and comfort of his embrace.   
  
"I'll never forget you" she whispered through her tears. "I love you."   
  
Hamilton braced himself from the pain the words caused him. "Strong,"he thought,"be strong."   
  
"I love you too" he said and he tightened his grip on her as if willing the moment to never end.   
  
Jake backed away first. "Good luck in the fall," she walked backward toward the car. "Be great...okay?"   
  
Hamilton nodded and gave a small wave..."you too." And he watched her as she finally turned and walked out of his life...and into her new one. She got into the waiting vehicle and turned once more to look out the window and wave. She watched as Will, Scout and Bella surrounded Hamilton. She smiled...she knew he'd be fine. She knew she would be fine. They all waved and watched as the long black limo transported their friend toward her future.   
  
Scout put a consoling hand on Hamilton's shoulder. "Okay...man?"   
  
"I will be..." he said although the tears still fell unconsciously. The four stood together until the car was completely out of sight.   
  
  
"...So I'm on my way to better life...so they say...so they know   
  
Into my future I leave friends far behind...that's what's expected, so I go   
  
But I'm singing to you...setting my heart free..travel the distance between you and me   
  
through all the tears I'll remember the times we had...together..."   
  
  
Alone in the back-seat...Jake wept openly. She no longer had to hide. She no longer had to be strong for anyone. She looked at the package and toyed with the ribbon. Slowly she tore the paper to reveal a framed, black and white photo of her and Hamilton. They were standing by her bike...his arm around her waist...she was still clad in "guy gear" then. She remembered the day it was taken. A warm sunny day during Summer Session. They were about fifteen then, she thought out loud. She smiled as the memories came flooding back to her. She knew she would never forget.   
  
Hamilton sat in the back seat of his parents car.   
  
"Munchie...you must be so excited. Off to a new place. Please be careful honey..." his mother chided.   
  
"I'm going to college Mom...not off to Nam." He retorted.   
  
"I know honey...but..."   
  
"Nonsense!" his father interrupted "He's growing up Kate...his life begins now. He's moving on. Son...I'd give anything to be your age again. Starting a new life..."   
  
"Mmmmm" he thought barely listening to his father's speech. He took from his back pack a matching framed photo of he and Jake. "Moving on..." he traced his finger over her face..and he smiled.   
  
  
"glance out the window see the lines pass me by on the road   
  
I'm moving onward as another chapter unfolds   
  
and I wonder who will I love and who will I see   
  
most of all I wonder, who will I be   
  
seems like yesterday I had it all and nothing was wrong   
  
but the times are changing and I am moving on   
  
I feel so low but at the same time I feel so alive   
  
my time here is over, I'm off to a new place, a new life   
  
and I wonder who will I love and who will I see   
  
most of all I wonder who will I be   
  
seems like now that I have it all and nothing is wrong   
  
but the times are changing and I am moving on   
  
I was staring at the back of her car as she drives away   
  
our time together, it's over now, and I can here myself say   
  
Who will she love and who will she see   
  
most of all I wonder who will she be   
  
it seems like yesterday we had it all and nothing was wrong   
  
but the times are changing   
  
cause I am moving on....   
  
  
Authors note: This was intended to be a sad story. The songs just helped put me in the mood. Of note, Weekend Excursion does have a song entitled "Reunion" so you never know...... :)   
  
  
The End   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



End file.
